Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:40 pm Post subject: An Inexperienced Chili Taster.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an
Outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge
at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do
it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:"
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst
one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue)? With a hint of pork.
Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides PAIN. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line. Thank god for the beer!
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've
located an active uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic:
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety:
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except Sally. I may have soiled myself, not
sure, it may be chili. Sally continues to put out my
internal flames with cold beer.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to
be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and
pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the
sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.
Good, at my autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm
not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let
it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili:
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot
on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
Search
